Memoirs of A Heartbroken Heartbreaker

Can make ya or break ya, can't it? The amount of knowledge you know? I'd like to believe what I know is at least something that would make someone stop in their tracks and rethink what they know. I'm not talking about world change, but just one person. Isn't that what everyone hopes to affect? That their prescence on earth made some sort of difference. If you think the answer to that answer is yes, then you are right . . . . . . . and wrong.

Thinking that the answer to that question is yes means that you automatically assume that there is at least one thing about everyone person that is the same. That every person on earth hopes to affect at least one person, and that is wrong and right. Not every person wants to affect someone, but in their own way, they do hope that someone sees differently because of them. Like if a I were to be compared to a serial killer. I do hope that someone thinks differently because of me. But a serial killer? A serial killer doesn't care if someone sees differently, but does what he does so that others may see his line of thinking. It's a double-edged sword. No one is right and no one is wrong. And yet, at the same time, both are both right and wrong. A stalemate. An age old question that optimists and pessimists and realists have been fighting over for more than a lifetime any of us will ever know. This is what it all comes down to. This question: Does every person on earth have at least one thing, namely the pursuit of trying to matter, in common. If you answer it? Let me know.

The bottom line, or at least as I see it, is this: It comes down to how you live your life. If you live your life like me, then the answer is quite simple. If not, then I suggest you look up someone else on this site, because I'm not here to try to interpret all different aspects of life, I can only do mine. But the way is it, there are plenty of ways to matter, and the most important is how you represent yourself. Now, no one is dedfined just by the clothes you wear. Or by the song on your MySpace page. Or by the club that you go to. Or by the manner in which you speak. But you are defined by the clothes you wear AND the song on your MySpace page AND the club you go to AND the manner in which you speak. These are things that you have chosen to do, not because it may be who you are, but because it's who you hope to be. and isn't that the same thing? I may not dress lik a nazi, but if it's the way I think, is there really a difference? You are defined by the things you do daiily collectively. It's all any of us have to judge you by. Is it our place to judge? No, not at all. But it is our place to try to identify. There is a big difference between identifying and judging. I don't believe in lables, in trying to pidgeon-hole someone; but I am GAY, and a LIBERAL, and PRO-CHOICE, and a VERONICA MARS VIEWER, and a CORINNE BAILEY RAE LISTENER, and an OPTIMIST, and a ROMANTIC. These are things that I identify myself as, because I am proud to think them. Identifying ourselves, not judging (which is assigning connotation to one side), is a way of realizing who we are, a way of standing up for what we believe in. If you can't proudly say you are something, you may have a problem with being proud of thinking that way, and to that, I say "Look to yourself." But to all others, think it and think it loud. Believe in your convictions and say what you are. Not because you are "labeling" yourself, but because what you represent yourself as is who you are. Not just to others, but to yourself. It's what you've conviinced yourself to be. It's what you've allowed yourself to be a part of, and that, ladies and gentleman, IS who you are. It IS who you aspire to be, whether you may be it or not, and that is just as bad as being it.

I have tried my hardest to not be all over the place in this, and if I have come off that way, I do not apologize. I am a SCATTERHEAD. I am not always in an orderly line of thinking. This is who I am, and if you don't ike it, then, and I apologize for the profanity, but you can fuck off. These are my convictions. These are my ideals. Things I would go to court for, things I would risk being called a "hypocrite" for, things I would die for if I thought it would make a significant change in the human race. Everyone should have beliefs that they wouldn't mind being identified as or called-out on. So if you choose to "label" me for what I have conveyed to you in these words as, then I will be proud to be called it. It is who I am, who I was born to be. Not controversial for controversy's sake, and certainly not to just be different. But to be me at whatever cost. And believe me when I say that it is worth any price you will pay.

To those of you saying I'm just trying to be different, what would you call yourself? Or, more importantly, what would you willingly and proudly let others call you? Because, and in a very positive way, we ARE judged by what others see us as. Not those who assume things and judge. But those who listen and see and then identify. Those who understand where someone is coming from and make an educated identification. You are what you show the world you hope to be and represent.

So show em who you are, whoever that may be . . . . . . . and be ready to live for it.

Current Mood: optimistic

INSTRUCTIONS:
write ten statements,
intended to different people.
never tell which one is to who
things you've always wanted to tell people



1. I'm not going to go on and on and on about how much I love you and all that bullshit, you know how it is. But I do want you to know that I think the reason I identify with you so much is because, honestly, and I think you'll agree, that out of everyone, our bitch and intellctual track are on the same level. I can do and have done some evil things, but out of everyone, I know I can tell you and you'll just laugh and be like "Pfffft . . . . . . . good job."  I like that. :-) I like that we get really into stupid things more than others and try to be like the things we love. I like that bad movies equally scare us. I like that you've saved my life before, seen me at my worst, and stepped up to be there for me when others wouldn't or couldn't. I like that you listen to me, even when you completely disagree and look down upon what I'm thinking. I just like that you take me seriously.  Oh yeah, and all that love love love butterflies farting sunshine crap. You get it.

2. I thought this one would be incredibly easy, but surprisingly it's kinda hard. I think we scare me a little bit. We remind me so much of another amazing relationship I had that kinda crashed and burned that kinda scarred me. You get me. Even when I'm incoherent. Even when I'm just speaking out of spite. And I know I'm a lot closer to you than you are to me, and sometimes that sucks (maybe explanational?), but I do love what we got going on. You get me in a way that is much more personal to me than other know. My humor level. My humor might seem like a simple thing, but it's how I express myself. That and singing. But I connect with people through laughter, it's the most direct way for me to get through to someone. And we laugh a lot. Almost too much, lol. But is a relationship like this set up for heartbreak? Sometimes it seems so to me, but hey . . . . it ain't gonna stop me from tryin. ;-)
You're my wild card.

3. There are times when I feel like we're really close. Then . . . . there are times I think you don't see anyone but yourself. Sometimes it feels like you like your problems more than you like me. I don't want to compete with your tragedies, but I find myself doing so constantly, so maybe I'm more attached than I know. It's hot or cold with us. All or nothing, black or white. But as many times as I've hated you, I've loved twice as strong afterwards. It's so weird.  But I wouldn't trade. Because with highs that high, it kind of makes it hard to think about the lows. Except when they're here . . . . 

4. You taught me who I was. You reminded me that life isn't that bad of a place. You picked me up just when I was at my lowest, and for that, I think I am more indebted to you than I am to anyone else on this list. And they are too. You shaped me into who I am today. I wouldn't be the same person without your influence. I know what I said was heat of the moment, but there was some truth in between the words I spoke. And it's a little late now to fix what was broken. I know that it will never be. I guess all I can say is I will never be able to express how much I love you and will never be able to repay you . . . . . . . but I don't forgive you. I can't. And worse . . . .  I don't want to.

5. You get another part of me that I wish wasn't there, but there it is. And I think only you get it because we've been thorugh similar things. It's weird how we've gotten close, but I wouldn't trade it. You understand that little section that makes being me difficult. But I know it won't go away because it's who I am, and so it's nice to have someone who gets it. We have fun when we're together doing things most of the other people on this list would scoff at, lol. I hope to continue this because it's headed somewhere good.

6. Damn, I love you, but this is crazy
     I have to fight you almost daily
     We break up so fast, then we . . . 
     We make up so passionately
     Why can't we just trust each other?
     You can't hate me and be my lover
     Passion ends and pain begins
     Yet I'd come back and do it all again.

7. We're weird together. I almost feel like we could be best friends if we just put forth some effort. You're just a naturally good person and I always feel so luck to know you. Whenever we hang out I ask myself "Why aren't I with you more often?" You're a simply simple person. you don't let stupid bullshit cloud your day and you can always be counted on to listen to if I need someone. I admire you a lot, and I don't think you even realize how great of a person you are. I wish you would start seeing what I see.

8. I love you, enough said. We've been through a lot together and I would be lying if I said I knew another person who makes me feel the same way when we're togeter. Our dynamics click. Our psyche does, too. We both, when you get right down to it, are complete nutcases, and that's why fucking up together feels so right. :-)

9. I owe more than just a few words to you. I love you unconditionally. I never realized how much you've done for me. I couldn't ask for anything better when I got you. I know I'm difficult and I make it hard to love me. I just hpe you know me well enough to see through my words and actions, and understand the subtle ways I say what I say to you. But I think somewhere deep down I do believe you know. For whatever it's worth, thank you and I love you. You'll never hear these words come out of my mouth, and you may not even read this, but I do mean it and think it where it counts.

10. You're one of the only people I've ever truly hated. You robbed me of something precious, so I did it back to you. You could've given me the chance to be something admirable, to release something in myself I always wished was there. But you chose this course. You could've done something with me, but kept me in this hated light because you liked me there. You play the victim so well, though, don't you? But it's ok. Because when you tell people the truth about how I feel about you, it's the truth. And at least you're being victimized for something you are victim of. But make no mistake. You inflicted this upon yourself. And when you get older and realize you're mistake, I hope there's someone there for you to apologize to in my stead. Because it surely will not be me who will listen.

Hmmmm, well, well, well, you go away for one weekend and lookie what happens . . .

Kelly - The Single Mother - FIRED (WEEK 3)
Amber - The Ex-Manager (who's nice but I'm not sure yet if that's real)
Josh D. - The Homphobic Singing-Hating Emo - FIRED (WEEK 4)
Lina - The Bossy Lesbian - FIRED (WEEK 2)
Josh P.- The Freshman Football Player
Rebecca - The Home-Schooled Debutante
Rachel - The Home-Schooled Hippie
Maddi - The Constantly-Eating Crazy
Doug - The Quirky Singing Homosexual
Ariel - The Sarcastic Scene Girl
Little Schu - The Pretty Nice Little Sister
Luckey - The Good Guy - FIRED (WEEK 1)
Jenna - The Freshman Who Never Works
Maria - The Responsible Quiet Girl (who must have a hard past because she smokes and has a lot of tattoos and a tongue ring)
Caitlin - The Friendly Spontaneous Girl (who also is a lesbian)
Hanna - The Fun Cheerleader
Lucky - The Smiley One Who's Secretly A Bitch (but I like her just fine!)
A.J. - The Closeted Extremely Nice Boy
Allie - The Beautiful Girl Next Door
Levi - The Southern Boy
Bonnie - The Hardcore Divorcee
Karen - The Soccer Mom
Lameh - The New Girl
Natalie - The Fun Mother

This job may turn out to be more dangerous than originally expected . . . .

Let's see . . . . . . . . . 

Not much has happened since my last post . . . . .  well, nothing surprising, I guess. Things happen, people come and go, these are the ways of life. In the past like two weeks, I have gone back and forth from Orlando to Tampa to Ft. Pierce to Tampa back to Orlando and back to blah blah blah. But all in all, have had fun. Spoke to my New York contact who's looking into getting me a job with him, told him I could start in January. Which means if he tells me yes, I will be moving to New York in January. Which, yes, I shall be sad to leave my friends, but I really do think it will fix all of my problems. Sometimes I think this town must be killing me. A change of scenery is much needed. Plus, most of the people around here . . . . . . bunch of real riots, here in Tampa. ::rolls eyes:: 

As for Halloween Horror Nights, again, I'm going Sept. 30, so let me know. And to my hotel crowd. That would be:

Marysia Lopez
Nick Carter
Jessica Neal
Liz Grumbach
Kristen Graves
Nate Lamb

Ya need to have $205 as soon as possible so I can book our hotel. Let me know as soon as you can get it to me, and I'll let you all know offically what's going on when I book it. But get it to me if ya want to go.

Lord have mercy on my soul . . . .
For I have walked a sinful road
So I am down on my knees
Lord have mercy on me, please

Jesus, I must confess that in all my loneliness
I've forsaken and I've sinned
Leavin fragments of a man so broken
I could tell you what I've done
Or should I tell you where I went wrong?
Well, the more I start to play
My evil, deceitful ways keep growin stronger by the day

Oh, Lord, have mercy on my soul
For I have walked a sinful road
So I'm gonna get down on my knees
Beg forgiveness to help set me free
Lord have mercy on my please

Mother Mary full of Grace
In my weakness I've lost faith
I've been careless and I hae been waned
And the devil inside me is torn
God rest the man that I have scorned

So don't let me fool around no more
Send your angels down to guide me through that door
Well, I've gone and confessed my regrets
And I pray I'm not held in contempt
I'm so lost and I need you to help me to repent

Oh Lord, have mercy on my soul
Oh, I'm beggin, I'm pleadin, I'm needin
I want you to know so I'm down upon my knees
Oh, Lord, I need forgiveness from you . . . .

Ok, here's the deal: Halloween Horror Nights opens on Sept. 29. That's a Friday. Our first outing, if you would like to join, will be that Saturday, Sept. 30. Now, the price is $65.00. This will get you a Frequent Fear Pass. Why am I making you buy a Frequent Fear Pass? A regular one-day ticket is the same price. So for the SAME price of a one-day ticket, you are getting a ticket that lets you in on any day that isn't a Friday or a Saturday. For the SAME price. Even if you don't think you would be able to go again, it's to have that option. so trust me, and opt for the Frequent Fear Pass. So again, Saturday, Sept. 30, it starts 6:30, so we're meeting at my house at 4 and will be leaving no later than 4:30. Do you hear that LATE PEOPLE (i.e. Liz and Marysia)?! IF YOU TAKE 3 AND A HALF FUCKING HOURS TO DO YOUR GODDAMN HAIR, YOU WILL BE LEFT IN THE DUST AND I'LL LAUGH MY ASS ALL THE WAY TO ORLANDO. Once I know everyone who is coming, I'll let everyone know who the carpools are. So respond to this post, telling me you want to go, and then just get your money to me as sson as possible. I'm going to go to Orlando to get tickets probably by Sept. 10. So get your money to me by then, unless you want to go yourself or wait until the night of, but I warn you that if you wait until the night of, it may be sold out and you won't be able to get in. So save yourself the trouble and just get your money to me by Sept. 10. Got it? Good.

To the people going for the weekend (You know who you are, I'm not typing all the names out):

We arrive there on Friday the 13th of October (how's that for mood?) and we leave the 15th, which is that Sunday. You need to bring at least $205, plus food. So bring like $250. This covers the hotel, food, your 2-day 2-park tickets, and your Halloween Horror Nights ticket. We are going the 14th to Halloween Horror Nights, that Saturday. LISTEN TO THIS: IF YOU ARE GOING ON THE WEEKEND TO THE HOTEL, AND YOU BUY A FREQUENT FEAR PASS FOR THE SEPT. 30 TRIP, YOU STILL NEED TO BUY A TICKET FOR THE HOTEL STAY TO HALLOWEEN HORROR NIGHTS SINCE WE ARE GOING ON A SATURDAY.

So everyone let me know what you're doing and we'll go from there.

P.S. Liz, tell your parents right now about the hotel weekend.

    "No," the man said. He said it in such a way that even though this was the twentieth time he had said it, it stuck. It stung. It hung in the air above him, like a bad smog. It was all he ever said, it seemed. But then, what else was there? It was either to deny such things or give into them. Was he ready to do that? Was he ready to be okay with the things he had fought his whole life to oppose? It was these things and the people who represented them that he was so against, that he had to say no to. And yet, this somehow made him a paradox. He fought the things he seeked to destroy with the very same tools. He fought guilw with guile, lies with lies, deception with deception, and revenge with revenge. Hell hath no fury like him. In trying to destroy the evils of this world, he had almost become a carrier. But the fact that he understood this alone set him apart from them. He knew what he was doing. He knew how he had gotten there.
    "No," the man said. Twenty-one. This was tiring. They never seemed to understand. He wasn't saying no just for himself. The responsibility for these evil deeds had to stop with someone. The buck has to stop somewhere. Otherwise we're all just wandering around with no one to blame. And without someone to blame, there's no where to begin. Change begins with a single act of ownership. Of just one person saying that this was their fault, and from there, from that small point, is where revolution began. And that's what saying "no" was about. It was about hope. It was because it wasn't enough anymore to say "Oh, well." No one ever learned anything from no one taking a stand against something. No sinner ever was redeemed unless he was given the hint he was wrong, even if it be a sinner that let him know. And that was the man. He had become a sinner to give redemption to those with no hope. And yet he hated some of them for it. There wouldn't be need for his sacrifice if they would just use common sense. He became bad to help them, and yet they asked him to stop. They blamed him for it, they held it against him, they tried to make him stop.
    "No," the man said. No, he said to them. And he hoped that maybe one day they would realize that "No" was not just the only thing he ever said . . . . . . . . . . .      it was all he could say.

You know, I'm through defending you. I've absolutely run out of of excuses for you. Funny thing is after everything, I'm always the one standing up for you. And for what? For this?  . . . . . . . . . . . . .


You fight your battles on your own now. Against me. Against them. Against the world.       To the wolves with you. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

It's funny. People can be all for you or all against you. One man's freedom fighter is another man's terrorist. I am no stranger to this phenomenon. For longer than I can remember there have been those who will stand by me and those who seek to destroy me. But recently, not only me. It seems my friends are at odds with each other. The best friend now the "backstabber." The quiet girl in the corner now the abrasive bully. This world, no, this life never gives warning or caution to the changing winds that will blow at you suddenly. And the longer you wander around thinking something will never change, the less equipped you will be to change with it. Change is nature's way of saying "Something isn't working. Let's try this." It's a way of wiping away the reasons for mistakes and trying anew. And all things change with this. The world, war, economy, wildlife, all things change. But none so drastically as people do. People change more so than any force I've ever come to know. They've a way of coming on so quickly and strongly even hurricanes envy them. And sometimes not always for the better. But how do you decide this? How do you decide who's changed for the better and who for the worse? It's quite simple, really. You don't. It's no one's place to say he or she isn't as good as they used to be. It's no one's business to judge how someone's decided to live their life. Will this happen, though? Will people wake up one day and decide to leave well enough alone and come out from behind their anonymity? Absolutely not. No, believe me when I tell you that no matter what choices you make in your life, there will always be those willing to play God. To make the choices and judgements better left to Him. But I find they have a reason for being here, too. They serve as a way of reexamining your life. They're a way of reading what they say and asking yourself "Is this something that is really true about myself? Or just one more in the long reason of things why I should remain the same." This is a decision entirely up to you, and no one else. No matter how they prod and poke, they will never have the materials necessary to do what it is they seek to do. Ultimately, to change you. They speak heavy words, but that's all they are. Words. The final decision lies with you. So my advice? Listen to what these hateful cowards say. Take heed. Ask yourself if it really is true, no matter how sordid what they say may be. If you find it to be true? Then you've a way of changing yourself.



But as for me? I've taken heed. I've read what they've said. But ultimately decided that nothing in my life is going to, or needs to for that matter, change. These are people not in my life anymore. They've no idea my plans for the future, my hopes and dreams. They've not taken the time to find out that I still stand for all the same things I used to. If anything, I've outgrown these people. They're nothing more than a piece of my past I had to let go of. Dead-weight. They can harp and harp and harp as long as they want, but their words will change nothing. I am who I am. Take me or leave me. And if they were so unconcerned with me now, if I was truly the "pompous little bitch" they call me, they wouldn't be wasting their time trying to fix me. Why would anyone waste time on someone they no longer think to be what they used to be. No, it is not I who have changed for the worse. Because the people I used to know, no matter who it is, wouldn't have responded or said the things I've read these people say. Am I saying they've changed for the worse? No. They may have changed in a way completely beneficial to them. And that's fine. But it means we've changed apart. And I can accept that. People change. That's the way things work. So let them talk. Because they will no matter what any of us think. Let them do what they crave, which is usually to create controversy. As for me? Well, you know what they say. Stardom loves controversy . . . . Make no mistake as to me making something of myself. My talent remains the same. I will be seen on the screen someday. And on that day, on the day that I get paid 20 million to to act as opposed to the 8.50 these anonymous people pay to go see me, I hope they remember the day they said I used to be able to be something. And I hope they remember that it was them who helped me change for the better.

TRUST ME, PEOPLE, YOU WANNA READ THIS ONE!!!!

To the person who attempted to hack my livejournal and delete it:

NICE TRY, BITCH, BUT YOU DIDN'T DO MUCH.


So let me explain this . . . .

I am officially a real celebrity. How is this? I have my first real stalker!! As some of you may know, my MySpace was recently hacked and deleted. I thought this to maybe be a random act of stupidity. But it was time for a new one anyway. There was too much of the past on the one I had. So I made a new one, blah blah blah blah. But! Recently, my livejournal was hacked, and attempted to be deleted. Luckily, I requested a new password, changed it, and reactivated it. Who could this mysterious stalker be? I shall go through the possibilities . . . .

1. There is a site called Adam4Adam, think of it as the gay MySpace. Upon this site, a man messaged me. This man had previously messaged me on another site before and was entirely rude when I denied him. He told me was he "connected in Hollywood and had friends who won Academy Awards and that he had also won a Pulitzer Prize for a book he had written and would make sure I never made it in Hollywood." Well, he must not have remembered me, because he messaged me again, to which I replied nastily, reminding him of his assholeness before and how he had absolutely no chance now. This man replied to me, threatening my life. He threatened to "cut my throat if he ever saw me on the street," to "make this world a very dangerous place for me if I ever left the swamps of Florida." Am I saying this is the person who hacked my accounts? Perhaps . . . . but let's consider all possibilities . . . .

2. I also recently visited a working establishment where a link from my past resides employment. When visiting this establishment, I maintained vision with this link and was seen with an entity that may or may not have flared tempers with this link. This link is acquainted with others who do know my passwords, due to old relations. Coincedence . . . . ?

3. Friends are not to become sexually involved with friends' exes. This is the first rule friendship. And when an ex-friend and something more did this to me, you best believe I let him know I didn't approve of his treachery and I didn't do it nicely. This person is also in acquaintance with those who knew my passwords. But is it possible his hate and need for revenge thrusted wickedness upon him . . . . . ?


There you have it. The possible suspects for my real life mystery, and I promise all of this is very real. Is it the rejected internet playmate? Could it be the scorned ex-flame? Or perhaps the treacherous pseudo-friend? And let's not forget the dozens of people I've pissed off in Plant City alone. Whether or not you hate me or love me, you cannot deny I am somewhat of an entity around here. And you don't become who I have become without royally pissing some people off. I've made quite a few enemies in my interactions here. And it probably wasn't the best idea for me to post this when I know whoever did this has access to viewing this post, but let me take this one step further . . . . . .


To the person who hacked this LiveJournal and probably my MySpace:

Well done. I can't imagine how long it must have taken to hack the two, and probably whatever is hacked of mine next. Actually, if you know what you're doing, not much time at all. But let me issue a statement to you, if you'd permit, not that you have much of a choice. Consider what it is that you're really doing. You're giving me exactly what it is you probably seek to destroy. I'm getting the attention I crave. You're not just a "hacker" or a "stalker," you're a fan. You're simply another in the list of those I've met along the way who simply can't swallow that there are people like me still in this world. This does not set you apart. It doesn't make you special, it doesn't make you unique, and most importantly, it doesn't make you dangerous. To use a word that I like to use with people I've had to deal with, it makes you common. Being openly gay and who I am in this area, I have to deal with people like you on a daily basis. And it's almost sort of comical that you think because you took the time to google "How To Become A Computer Genius" and took the new step, you think you're a "Doug Buffaloe Conqueror," when in fact, you're doing something that I wouldn't be who I am today if it hadn't been for the commonfolk like you. You're the cause of the moment, a flash in the eye, and in a month? No one in my life or who knows of this situation isn't going to give a shit about you. I only hope by then you've found some way to give your days some real purpose, other than furthering my own. Because elevating what you seek to destroy is a form of maddening frustration that would drive even Bellevue Asylum inmates crazy, and you don't even want to fuck with that state of mind.

In short, thanks for being my number one fan, but in essence, just another fan . . . . . .

Current Mood: complacent